Plan B
by AspieSays
Summary: Updated version to expand on my AU Ten/Martha. Everyone is trying to cheer the Doctor up after an argument he himself began. It doesn't go well.


The plan to choose some random, exotic planet to nosey around- for the umpteenth time- had been swiftly abandoned. Donna wasn't sure of the details, she hadn't witnessed the argument and she did not want to broach the subject, even though part of her really wanted the gossip. The Doctor's sense of humour was noticably and egregiously absent. In that '_Look, look at me, I'm annoyed, and there's nothing you can do about it_' he was so talented at conveying.

The atmosphere was nothing short of fractious; so much so, that Jack had wandered off in search of some form of alcoholic drink and 'company that would smile'. Donna decided to to remain, and try to lift the mood- and possibly bring it down on a Time Lord's head. This was nothing.

"Hypocrite," Martha had commented quietly.

The Doctor had scoffed obnoxiously, having no such patience and announced loftily he found this highly shallow and insulting, calling Jack a variety of rude names when he left.

She closed her eyes as she always did when he was more nine than nine-hundred, to stop herself from smacking him.

"Bollocks to you, then," she concluded.

Martha had the decency to acknowledge Jack was being glib and said nothing. Martha gave the Doctor disapproving look; he unexpectedly saw her and made a insolent face at her in reply, and she had to try very hard not to go over to him and hit him- very hard. He wasn't impressed at her expression, and instead of taking an opportunity to form a truce, he shrugged.

The girls retreated to the kitchen.

Donna tried her best, but the Doctor was in what Martha had named well gone.

"Well stupid, too," Donna replied, watching him storm about, craning her head around the doorway so he wouldn't spot her. "Settle down!" she called through to him, when he decided to kick the console. "'Ouch', yeah, ouch, I'm not surprised. He's _impressively_ obnoxious today, love, have you been training him?" She started making tea.

Martha smiled.

"Says you!"

"He's broken his own record. Mind you, he probably caused in the first place- I mean, you'd have sorted it by now."

"It's stupid. He was grumpy anyway, he woke up like that, and he's deemed me 'unreasonable' because everyone's got to walk on eggshells for Mr Angst over nothing... because I won't indulge him! If there's anything I can't stand, it's when they say 'don't be stupid' just because they've been caught out. My brother sometimes said it to us just because we were girls, before he grew up and Keisha came along. With him, it's 'oh, humans'."

"'TARDIS, Time Lord, yeah!'" Donna mocked, stirring the tea.

"He can get stuffed for a bit longer. And then we're forming a truce."

Then they heard the door swing open.

Jack returned after an hour or so, tipsy, and began to prattle on try, including all the innuendo he could recall, like no tomorrow.

The Doctor saw he was empty handed and scowled. "Where've you been?"

"When-we-go-out-we-do-not-have-to-always-have-to-bring-you-something-back," Donna had said slowly. The Doctor pulled a face at her.

She smiled along and joined in but Martha grimaced at them like they were in the process of torturing a small animal.

"She said 'so, have you ever tried alien meat?' And I said, 'well, he seemed to enjoy it.'"

"Oh shut up," Donna pretended to hit him. "Plus, you've done that one before!"

"And I'll do it again!"

"Down boy. Shush-" she added seeing the dirty looks the were getting from across the room. She sighed. Maybe not then.

Jack then also started up some lively pop music, which got a small smile from the Doctor, who had previously just shook his head at them, keeping a good distance, on the opposite side of the console, going to great lengths to be pretending to fix something.

Martha decided to be devil's advocate, and wandered gingerly towards the Doctor, trying to look neutral. Jack wolf-whistled at her jokingly. Donna thumped him, and he growled flirtatiously at her in reply. The Doctor scowled. "I give up," Jack concluded, pretending to look chastened.

"This is tedious. I get it. He fancies us all. End of joke. He thinks I don't know but I know...it's been what, cumulatively, like six, seven years now? We get it!"

"He's ruining Katy Perry for me! I used to like this song!" he whined.

Martha wasn't sure who he was talking to. She rolled her eyes, considered kicking him, one because he deserved it and two, it would start a conversation and maybe there could be a truce formed.

Suddenly Jack got up, turned up the music, and proceeded to come towards them.

In the nanoseconds before he reached them, the Doctor watched in horror, like he'd seen something that wanted to eat him. Jack simply winked at them, and danced past, not before making a grab at them both.

"Oh, he knows you know," said Martha tartly.

The Doctor stared after him in disgust. "Well, at least he doesn't know that I know he knows I know!" he replied, seemingly in all seriousness.

"Of course...!"

Martha shook her head, irritated. "Come on, why don't we-"

The Doctor looked offended. She was about to reply, but then saw he was looking at Donna, who had snuck over and was listening. He turned to her.

"Problem?"

His tone grated. Donna ignored him anyway.

"You're in a right mood today. I don't know why we're bothering," she said matter-of-factly.

"Tact not a strong point? Oh, wait, it's you!" said the Doctor acidly, leaning towards her. "Honestly! Guessing she's recounted it in detail?"

He stalked off. "Don't point at me... and who's she, the cat's mother!" Martha called, scowling.

Martha sighed. "Moody arse."

"Some soulmate he is," Donna stated instinctively. "Men!"

"Not for much longer he's not. Hypocrite."

Donna looked slightly crestfallen. She made a mental note to kick a him very hard in a sensitive area.

"Oh, they always do that, they're giant children, blokes, even if they are children of Gallifrey."

"It might not be my fault, but...it feels like it is," Martha said softly. "I think Jack's going about it the wrong way...well, your way's not much better, is it, with that thing in there.""

Jack was waltzing off again. Martha hoped, in vain, she thought, that he wasn't going to 'cheer the Doctor up' some more.

"I have the higher ground; I'm not off my head...he's really gone, too, seems to be speaking in tongues...and interpretive dance..." Donna grimaced. "I'd never be drunk enough to do interpretive dance!"

"See, that's what he would say..."

Donna sighed.

"Not today."

The was a ruffling noise in the distance, from one of the doors leading off the console room, like children playfighting. They walked out into the corridor to see the Doctor trying shoulder Jack out of the way, about half way up the corridor.

"Like what you see?" Jack yelled, in a slightly slurred voice.

"Oh, no..."

"Oh, fuck _off,_ you arrogant, anomalous, man-whore soldier boy!"

Jack blinked and put his hands in the air.

Martha pretended to look shocked.

"Well I never," said Donna mockingly. "Flirting with him isn't helping!" she yelled into the ether. "Brain in gear, there's a good boy."

Suddenly, the Doctor strode towards them, coming far too close. "If anyone else tells any puerile, innuendo-laden jokes, or does anything as brain-meltingly _stupid_ as him I will personally lock them in and make them tidy the Library Swimming Pool Room- which I am very close to doing to 'Captain Harkness'!" he said threateningly. He pointed at Donna.

"And you- you're the worst thing to happen to couples therapy since Koschei tried it! Not stupid-" he mouthed, pointing between them.

Donna couldn't help suppressing a laugh. Martha smiled.

"It's not a conspiracy! Now, if-"

"I mean it!" he stated coldly, pointing at her.

"We should call Jenny, Martha, then we could really conspire against him! Ha!"

Jack wandered past them, and turned up the music some more, and returning to dancing, circumnavigating the console.

"Oh, great. Oh, ha, ha! It's a funny combination. That's so funny! Ha, ha, ha! I forgot to laugh!" he cried sardonically, complete with arm gestures.

"Says the Captain of the Awful Jokes Association!" Donna replied, haughtily, rapidly losing patience. "You're such a..."

The Doctor cut her off. "Oi!" he yelled, deafeningly.

Jack passed the doorway again, still singing.

"Has he been drugged or something?" the Doctor hollered. "Pack it in, now!" He hurried after Jack, who proceeded to try and get him to waltz eventually flustered him into the console room.

"_Bugger off_!"

"I think...trying out _your _plan to sort this?" Donna inquired.

"Well, yeah, I would implement another plan, you know. Plan B. Because Plan A is turning him into a..."

"Oh, you're such an pain in the arse, Harkness! Wanker...!"

Donna shrugged knowingly.

"But he started it!" said Martha, half-seriously.

"Plan B!" Donna announced, like she was presenting a gameshow. "Plan B- a truce? Operation 'inter-species makeup sex'!"

Martha grimaced.

"Oh! D'you have to put it like that, you're just as bad. We get it. No."

Donna looked quite pleased with herself.

"Alright, I'll just get Jack to try something else..."

"Fine, fine!" Martha replied, grinning slightly. She hurried away towards the dancing chaos. "Oi! You! Kitchen!"

Donna heard the inevitable response.

"Me? What've I done?"

"Don't argue. Get!"

_A woman after my own heart._

Donna partly regretted suggesting it- and she couldn't find her earplugs when she needed them.

Half-asleep, she wandered through the corridor threw open the door to Martha's room and picked up a sock from the floor. She walked around the bed and stuffed it into the Doctor's mouth. Martha, flustered and struggling to see in the dark, was thoroughly bemused as she saw a hand move above her, filling the Doctor's mouth with his own sock. She took an opportunity to glance at his bare backside, and made a small dismissive noise. Martha laughed loudly. The Doctor looked offended and objected, his voice muffled.

"Animals," Donna murmured, shuffling away.

The Doctor looked down at Martha and shrugged, and decided to keep the sock where it was. Martha mused this was not one of his more attractive expressions. He laughed at the sock and then proceeded to laugh at the noise he made as well.

Martha grabbed the sock and threw it back in his face.

"D'you wanna know where it's going next?"

"Average," was how Donna greeted them next morning.

"Unless he gets gravely injured, it's staying as it is. And I respectfully disagree," Martha replied, smirking.

"I'm not dying for a new arse. Koschei might. In fact, I think he has-"


End file.
